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See, that’s what the app is perfect for.

Sounds perfect Wahhhh, I don’t wanna

I’m having a very sad morning. Something happened almost a year ago now, it was very emotionally damaging and traumatic. I haven’t told anyone about it. I didn’t want to talk about it while I was still in contact with the person responsible but now I feel like I can never tell anyone. That everyone would think I am only bringing it up so long after the fact because I’m upset that things didn’t go the way I wanted or because I want attention. I feel so alone. I’ve been silently dealing with it by myself for year now. I cried everyday for over 6 months, I lost my period over the stress. I think what may be worst of all is knowing the person responsible doesn’t care at all, laughs over the situation even. I’m not sure what makes me so fucking unlovable but god that fucks me up too. 

At least I have a funeral to attend today, no one will question my puffy red crying face. 

Today was nice. I had dinner with a coworker I used to be close with. She’s not my favorite person but because of how close we use to work we developed a sort of sister relationship. It was good to reconnect with her and just socialize. We talked for 4 hours and the restaurant staff was glaring at us waiting for us to leave. I really don’t care how rude it is, I paid for a meal so I will stay as long as I want. Anyway, I talked about some of the things I’ve been avoiding and it was good for me. It feels horrible but I can’t keep avoid the reality of shit going on when I have to explain it all out loud. 

Journaling isn’t helping. I have something on my mind and I can’t write it down. It makes it too real and I can’t come to terms with it. I’m so hurt. 

I need a skill, I need to be good at something. My goal for years has been to work on domestic skills like cooking and cleaning but that’s not enough. I don’t have a lot of interests though so I don’t know what. I want to be valuable, I hate being such a sorry waste. 

Brother is coming over today. I look forward to seeing him but I missed out on family Christmas to see someone else and I don’t want to be asked or hassled about that. My mom was telling me how she GOOGLED the person like fuck dude don’t do that. Or at least don’t tell me about it. And she said some rude things that really bothered me. I have to play it cool though, I can’t go into full defense mode even though I want to. I’m holding out that maybe some day things change that I don’t have to be a sneaky little fibber forever. It’s really not my style, I like being honest, but this is how it has to be for now. 

I’m surprised but I’m already liking journaling, it feels good to get things out of my head. It’s kind of annoying trying to censor myself since I want to be vague and anonymous so maybe I should just keep a personal journal instead? I wouldn’t have to spend time rethinking my words and could be uninhibited. Then again I don’t think I could really pour everything out into a notebook either because the fear of someone finding and reading it is worse than someone reading the words on this blog. Something to think about though I suppose. Hm I don’t know though - part of the challenge here is to have my thoughts be public, not necessarily to be read but that they CAN be. 

Part of the reason I’ve been avoiding writing or talking about things is I want to continue living in my denial world. When I take the time to gather my thoughts and put them down to reread I feel guilty and shameful about the decisions I’m making. I feel stupid and embarrassed, hopeless even. I know the advice every single person would give me and I can’t take it. Admitting that to myself makes me want to quit writing already so I can go back to unhealthy dream world where I’m not a worthless pathetic waste. I’m sad now. 

I have never even considered making a tumblr before in my life but here I am. This blog is my personally diary published online. I don’t expect anyone to read anything I post, I actually dread the thought. Putting any part of myself on display for people to see is completely horrifying even if its anonymous words hidden by an anonymous blog. 

I am miserable, I feel like a prisoner in my own head. I’m stupid and a complete waste. I have spent the past 5 years scrubbing any trace of my existence from the internet and that unintentionally turned into wiping my existence from real life too. I am so hidden even from myself, I can’t open up, I can’t enjoy anything, I feel completely lost. I’m stuck in a constant mental torture chamber and I don’t know how to get out. 

This is one attempt to work on myself. Being so hidden has stifled all aspects of who I am. I’ve always kind of been a lost girl but I feel more lost now than ever. Not only lost, I feel stupid, like brain dead unintelligent. My hope is that writing, starting with just my shitty thoughts, will help with that. I really haven’t had to write anything other than an email in a very long time and even then I get lost with that to say. 

Well that was exhausting… How do I stick to my little personal challenge and not delete this immediately after posting? ugh.